February 19, 2011--Exuent.

Well, fuck.

I write from my new apartment, which I only arrived at at 7:30 am, after sleeping off my drunkenness from last night in my car from 4-7 am. I know... What the fuck. I'm a mess.

Last night, I ended up meeting up with 10 and her friends. She was beautiful, my boobs were out, I saw her looking, but she was a bit aloof with me. It turns out that this is because she’s in love with her straight friend J-e, who seems to be a bit in love with her too, from the looks of it, as she was draping herself all over 10 while her boyfriend looked on. All night. Huh.

So I basically observed 10.0 in the midst of the same horrible, heart-wrenching process that I am in with her. Cruel, cruel world.

At one very memorable moment in the night, the “straight” friend j was grinding on me face to face, with 10 grinding on her from behind, and j was very interested in learning all about me, possibly as a distraction from how much she was enjoying feeling 10 behind her. 10 and I made a lot of eye contact while this was going on…it was hot, but weird, since I still don’t know where I stand with her. What am I to her?? I really don’t know.

There was also a point where she dragged me up on the stage at the bar to dance, and that was nice, just to get to be so close to her.

At the end of the night, though, she said as she was putting me in a cab, “I might go to the upper west…” which is where ss lives. (oh, impt to note that earlier in the night 10 was again lamenting her relationship with ss, and how fucked up it is, how she doesn’t want to be in it but can’t leave her, etc.) I ask her why, why god why!? Her answer “b/c I want to have sex.” Yeah, don’t we all.

At some point I remember she also told me that she doesn’t want to have sex with straight girls. "With gay girls is better," she said.

Huh.

What if I’ve done all the reading??

February 12, 2011--bad bad bad

Note from the future: Oh, this one's sad...

i think that this marriage has been the worst experience of my life.

many things big and small have led to that being true, and it really feels too daunting to even spell out everything that's happened today. it's really hard to put into words the feelings of horrible sadness and badness that i feel in this relationship.

one thing that happened is that i told him that i need my car tomorrow. (i did not tell him that i need it because i'm hoping that i can go look at apartments tomorrow. i kind of wish i had told him that.) he's planning to go skiing tomorrow, and would of course have just taken my car, while his car remains blocked into the driveway by weeks worth of snow and ice. i asked him to help me dig his car out. he said i should have to do it by myself because he had shoveled my car out by himself several weeks ago. that's true, he did, but that's because i couldn't shovel because we'd gotten rear-ended the day before and i was in pain and on muscle relaxers. i told him that we both should have, by now, gone out and shovelled his car out together, and the fact that there was now rock hard ice surrounding his car was due to both of our negligence. he looked at me and said "i think you should have to do it." i looked at him and thought "strike 5,063".

so I go outside, start chipping away at the ice, and it's hard and hurting my back, and i'm barely making a dent in the ice, and i cry. eventually, i think i've evened the snow out enough that i can just drive the car over the ice and get it out of the driveway, so i try that, and it works. thank god.

i came back inside and have been sitting at my desk working. he comes in and says "thanks for getting my car out, that wasn't so hard was it?" i say "yes, it was hard." he says "you were only out there for like 10 minutes." i say, "it was hard for me." he says "for 10 minutes, it was hard? ok." (this is said with dripping sarcasm). i look up at him, feeling defeated, and say "ok, you win," and turn back to my work. he then gets flustered and annoyed and explains to me that when he was shoveling a few weeks ago, he was out there for 45 minutes, but me out there for 10 minutes was hard? he asks, "what exactly did you have to do?" i say "i'm not doing this with you. i don't need you to tell me if it was hard for me to dig your car out. if you need to think it wasn't hard for me, that's fine." he continues to sputter and spit and be annoyed that i will not allow him to tell me how i can and should quantify my experience. i doubt that he understands what was wrong with the way he was communicating with me. and i don't even really care at this point.

this is one of the many reasons why i do not want to be with him.

Dear John, I Love Jane

Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women by Candace Walsh and Laura Andre

This book is incredible.  I've been reading it slowly since July, and it has helped me to not feel so alone as I, at 29-30, awaken to being very, very gay. It is the most disorienting and amazing experience I’ve ever had, and I am not alone.  If you're going through anything similar, read this book.  How helpful it's been for me to read about what other women have experienced is part of why I'm sharing my experience here!

January 22, 2011--lesbian...?...

on wednesday of this week, i asked my husband how he would react if i told him that i needed to sleep with a woman, or a few, and that that's what i need to do right now, and that's that. i asked him this because i have realized that this is true. right now, i want to have sex with women.

i've realized that, even if things don't happen with 10.0, if i'm never able to tell her how i feel about her, if she never breaks it off with her girlfriend and i just have to love her and never have her, i still need to fuck some women.

i'm getting more used to this every day. last night, hubby and i watched a little porn, and i was really only interested in the lesbian stuff. and it got me hot, and quickly. hot and jealous. i was especially turned on by the two girls 69-ing each other. i want some pussy in my face. and i want a girl's tongue on my clit. there, i said it.

my husband actually said that he would be more okay with me needing to go outside the marriage for sex with women than sex with other men, so that's something, anyway. but now what? i can't move forward with 10.0, i really want to be respectful of her relationship, so i have to wait. she's driving me crazy and i want her so badly, but i must wait. i know that.

so then, where does that leave me? i need to find a woman who wants me and doesn't mind that i've never done this before. where do i find her? them? are there lesbian/bi women out there who don't mind showing an almost 30 y/o woman the ropes? i hope so. i need them.

January 6, 2011--full...

This past week has really been almost too much. But it's been too much in wonderful, invigorating ways.

On Sunday I realized that I wanted an open marriage.
On Monday I told my husband that.
On Tuesday I fully acknowledged to myself that I absolutely and completely want to fuck the beautiful lesbian office manager at my job (she will henceforth be referred to as 10.0) and sort of told my husband *that*.
On Tuesday I also started reading 'The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping with Chicks'. It is amazing.
On Wednesday I realized that women, too, think about sex constantly, *once they know who they want to be having sex with*.
On Wednesday I also moved through the entire day feeling like a bi-sexual woman, at the very *least*, and I felt beautiful and on fire and happy and free. On Wednesday I also flirted a lot with 10.0 on facebook, and fell more in love with her.

Today, Thursday, she sat next to me at lunch, an extremely amazing thing, esp. since she very rarely joins us in the conference room for lunch. More amazing still is that I talked to her for most of the hour, asked her questions, showed her I was interested in knowing her, hinted at not being happy with my husband, expressed in no uncertain terms that I want to do karaoke with her, told her that I love brunch, and food, and passion, and singing and was told by her that I should move to brooklyn (where she lives), and let her know ahead of time if I plan to go into brooklyn for the nite. We also discussed how nice it is that we're getting to know each other better, all thanks to facebook, which is so true and strange.

Then. One of my best friends went into labor and is about to bring 2 new beings into the world. I told 10.0 about this excitedly, and then, as I was leaving work and told her I was going, she asked, 'do you want to take the bear?? Take the bear!' and tossed me this little fluffy brown bear to keep me company. At least, that's why I think she gave it to me, though maybe it's for my friend, now that I think about it. Whatever, she's thoughtful and sweet, and said for me to let 'them' know how it went. And now, as I'm on the train to my friend's side, feeling so emotional and excited and happy, I couldn't help myself and sent 10.0 a thank you message, on fb, of course. So while I'm anxiously waiting to get to the hospital, I'm also freaking about possibly coming on too strong, b/c she hasn't responded. And that could very easily be b/c she's working, duh. That's probably all it is...

RIGHT!??