February 19, 2011--Exuent.

Well, fuck.

I write from my new apartment, which I only arrived at at 7:30 am, after sleeping off my drunkenness from last night in my car from 4-7 am. I know... What the fuck. I'm a mess.

Last night, I ended up meeting up with 10 and her friends. She was beautiful, my boobs were out, I saw her looking, but she was a bit aloof with me. It turns out that this is because she’s in love with her straight friend J-e, who seems to be a bit in love with her too, from the looks of it, as she was draping herself all over 10 while her boyfriend looked on. All night. Huh.

So I basically observed 10.0 in the midst of the same horrible, heart-wrenching process that I am in with her. Cruel, cruel world.

At one very memorable moment in the night, the “straight” friend j was grinding on me face to face, with 10 grinding on her from behind, and j was very interested in learning all about me, possibly as a distraction from how much she was enjoying feeling 10 behind her. 10 and I made a lot of eye contact while this was going on…it was hot, but weird, since I still don’t know where I stand with her. What am I to her?? I really don’t know.

There was also a point where she dragged me up on the stage at the bar to dance, and that was nice, just to get to be so close to her.

At the end of the night, though, she said as she was putting me in a cab, “I might go to the upper west…” which is where ss lives. (oh, impt to note that earlier in the night 10 was again lamenting her relationship with ss, and how fucked up it is, how she doesn’t want to be in it but can’t leave her, etc.) I ask her why, why god why!? Her answer “b/c I want to have sex.” Yeah, don’t we all.

At some point I remember she also told me that she doesn’t want to have sex with straight girls. "With gay girls is better," she said.

Huh.

What if I’ve done all the reading??