February 12, 2011--bad bad bad

Note from the future: Oh, this one's sad...

i think that this marriage has been the worst experience of my life.

many things big and small have led to that being true, and it really feels too daunting to even spell out everything that's happened today. it's really hard to put into words the feelings of horrible sadness and badness that i feel in this relationship.

one thing that happened is that i told him that i need my car tomorrow. (i did not tell him that i need it because i'm hoping that i can go look at apartments tomorrow. i kind of wish i had told him that.) he's planning to go skiing tomorrow, and would of course have just taken my car, while his car remains blocked into the driveway by weeks worth of snow and ice. i asked him to help me dig his car out. he said i should have to do it by myself because he had shoveled my car out by himself several weeks ago. that's true, he did, but that's because i couldn't shovel because we'd gotten rear-ended the day before and i was in pain and on muscle relaxers. i told him that we both should have, by now, gone out and shovelled his car out together, and the fact that there was now rock hard ice surrounding his car was due to both of our negligence. he looked at me and said "i think you should have to do it." i looked at him and thought "strike 5,063".

so I go outside, start chipping away at the ice, and it's hard and hurting my back, and i'm barely making a dent in the ice, and i cry. eventually, i think i've evened the snow out enough that i can just drive the car over the ice and get it out of the driveway, so i try that, and it works. thank god.

i came back inside and have been sitting at my desk working. he comes in and says "thanks for getting my car out, that wasn't so hard was it?" i say "yes, it was hard." he says "you were only out there for like 10 minutes." i say, "it was hard for me." he says "for 10 minutes, it was hard? ok." (this is said with dripping sarcasm). i look up at him, feeling defeated, and say "ok, you win," and turn back to my work. he then gets flustered and annoyed and explains to me that when he was shoveling a few weeks ago, he was out there for 45 minutes, but me out there for 10 minutes was hard? he asks, "what exactly did you have to do?" i say "i'm not doing this with you. i don't need you to tell me if it was hard for me to dig your car out. if you need to think it wasn't hard for me, that's fine." he continues to sputter and spit and be annoyed that i will not allow him to tell me how i can and should quantify my experience. i doubt that he understands what was wrong with the way he was communicating with me. and i don't even really care at this point.

this is one of the many reasons why i do not want to be with him.