giving me life

Things I  am thankful for today, as I struggle through this inane last workday before the holiday break:

1. My girlfriend
2. Tumblr
3. One Direction
4. Buzzfeed
5. The wine that I will drink when I get home.
6. Fanfiction

That's it. That is this entire blog post.

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I was robbed. Again.

I'm feeling very bitter today, as I have been robbed again. I think this is the 4th time now.

(Warning: This is a very rant-y, angry post. Feel free to skip it, but also feel free to comment about how sucky this is, I could use some virtual hugs you guys.)

The first time was the worst. I was a few months into my life after leaving my marriage, was finally feeling (close to being able to be) back on my feet, wasn't sleeping on an air mattress anymore, and had just bought a new laptop. The laptop purchase was annoying because I hadn't planned on it, but my old one had died, and it was significant because at least I (thought I) COULD buy myself a new computer. This was a first for me, at 29, buying my own goddamn computer.

So that's where I was at when I got a voicemail one afternoon from my roommate telling me to call her. Now, she did this a lot, and never said why she was calling, so I usually delayed in calling her back since I was at work. She called again. Then texted me saying "We've been robbed."

I immediately felt cold and hot and scared and angry and sad and betrayed by the world.

It turns out that someone who used to live in the apartment had kept their keys, the landlord had failed to demand them back and hadn't changed the locks, and someone they knew likely swiped said keys or was given them, had scoped out the apartment to figure out a good time to rob us, and just walked in and took all of our shit. They took my new computer, they took my OLD computer, they took my engagement and wedding rings that I was saving for when I needed the money, they took a Coach bag (another thing I was holding onto for a rainy day), and they ransacked my room.

It was one of the worst feelings. I mean, WHY ME? I try so hard to follow the rules, to be kind, to be fair, to not take what's not mine, to earn what I have.  And yet someone thought it was okay to just waltz right in and take my shit. They thought it was okay and they DID it, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT.

I was so depressed after that. And super broke, as I had to buy another computer. To add insult to injury, I hadn't yet gotten renter's insurance, because I'd only been in the place for a few months, and was pretty broke. LOL never again. Word to the wise, lovely readers, ALWAYS HAVE INSURANCE. THE WORLD SUCKS. PLAN ACCORDINGLY.

Not soon after the burglary, my car got broken into while it was parked right in front of my building. They took my GPS and my watch (a gift from my father) that time. I missed work that day because my car was sitting there with a bashed in window and I had to get that taken care of. I moved shortly thereafter. 

My car got broken into again about a year later. There wasn't much to take that time, just my girlfriend's really nice duvet (why was that in the car, exactly? I don't know.) and a board game. Literally that's all that was in my car. A blanket and "Friends Scene It". Thanks for smashing my window AGAIN you fucking assholes, so that now you can be warm and snuggly while you find out who knows the name on Chandler's TV Guide! (It's Ms. Chanandler Bong, in case you were wondering. I was really good at Friends Scene It.)

Then, for over a year, things were quiet. I was not made to lament the lack of humanity of my fellow humans (well, for the most part). I didn't feel violated or betrayed or like I had gotten the short-end of the stick for the umpteenth time, been screwed over when I didn't deserve it. Yippee.

About two months ago, though, someone managed to steal my debit card while it was still in my wallet. Cool. Luckily, the bank caught it in time that no money was actually taken from my account, but I was without a bank card over a weekend in which I needed my bank card for about 5 different things, so that was really stressful and fun. THANKS THIEVES! Luckily, Elle was able to help me that weekend. But if she couldn't have, or if I was on my own, I would have been thoroughly screwed. After that, I got a credit card (I'd been living without any credit cards for awhile, to keep myself out of debt), realizing that without any safety net, I was at some point gonna be up Shit Creek without a paddle the next time some criminals decided to ruin my week and steal from me.

And this weekend, ta-dah! It happened again. But worse this time. Some asswipe charged $836 dollars on my debit card, which, again, was IN MY WALLET, at H&M and Macy's. Wow, how nice for them, I hope you got some really nice stuff asshole. Meanwhile, I now have pennies in my bank account because you drained it on your shopping spree and I have no idea when I'll get my money back and it is CHRISTMAS TIME. And I was planning to buy gifts for my family this week. And I need to get to the airport, and pay for my bag, and EAT. Thank god I got a credit card in a paranoid fit, because otherwise, I'd be ENTIRELY FUCKED.

I really cannot even begin to express how angry I am. I guess maybe all of the capslock in this post hints at it, though.

Like, why is this our world? Why do people steal? Whyyyyyyyyy. And it's not like this joker was buying food. No, they were living it up at a department store. Hell, I'd LOVE to go drop $400 at Macy's, can I come next time?

Fucking bullshit.

This morning, as I was in the mirror getting ready for work, thinking about all of this, wondering when/if I'll get my money back, what I'm going to do if I don't, when I will be able to spend a large chunk of a day at the police station filing a report, my lip started twitching crazily. That's never happened before. It's clearly a sign of stress and pent up rage, and I did not like it one bit. It freaked me out, to be honest.

And that's what I get for being...a completely functional, honest, working, well-behaved citizen. 

Fan-fucking-tastic.

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Tumblr Tuesday! (Q&A)

Hi lovelies!
So, this is the first, and possibly last, Tumblr Tuesday, in which I answer the only two asks I've ever gotten on tumblr!

I know...it's pretty thrilling.

So, here's question 1:

Q: What turns you on?

Riiiiight. Not gonna answer that one in terms of, like, specific sex acts, but I will say that I'm turned on by someone who is funny, a bit unpredictable, has a strong personality, is beautiful, and is my girlfriend (hi, babe!).

:)

Moving on! This one is much more interesting anyway:

Q: If two femmes are fucking, who is the dominant one?

Okay. So there are some incorrect assumptions being made here, yes? First, just because someone identifies as a femme lesbian does not mean that they are submissive, just as identifying as butch doesn't mean that someone is dominant in bed, or, you know, "the top." So, there's that. 

Second, there is not necessarily always a "dominant one" in a couple, or a pair of sexual partners.  Maybe one person always like to be the dominant one, calling the shots, deciding who's on top, always being on top, deciding who's legs go where and when, and who's going down on whom and for how long (oooh, is it hot in here?).  But it's also possible for both people to sometimes take on that role, and they might switch off being in control, either over the course of one night, or maybe every other time. Maybe this week Alex is feeling bossy, so she's in control, but then a few days later, she wants to be told what to do a bit, or wants to just be taken care of (which you could argue is actually the power position!) and so Sue is "dominant" that night.  It all just depends on the two people, and how they've decided to negotiate their sex life.

Am I right? Wrong? What do you think, lovely readers? Feel free to talk back to me (and each other!) in the comments!

<3

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xoJane-It Happened to Me...

Hi lovelies,
Big news! On Saturday, online mag XOJane published a piece I had submitted to their "It Happened to Me" series. My submission? "It Happened to Me--I Didn't Know I Was a Lesbian."

I know, I know, a bit sensationalist, but it really is the truth, as many of you know!  The piece is basically a quick and dirty version of what happened to me 3 years ago, when I fell for 10.0, and everything went to hell (and then got awesome).

Anyway, there may be many of you now checking out my blog for the first time--hi! If you actually take the time to go back to the beginning, and read my whole crazy tale, I admire your persistence. The road is long and winding.

Also also I look forward to hearing from you! My experience over on xoJane has definitely spoiled me--the comments thread is super active (fun fun!), and I hope to get to talk (and maybe argue, ha) with more of you in this space too, so type away, don't be shy! (I even upgraded my comment thing-y to Disqus--which xoJane uses--so it's now much prettier and user-friendly.)

Tomorrow I have a new post for you guys, a little bit of q&a, so stay tuned.

<3


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Happy Coming Out Week!

Hello lovelies!

In honor of Coming Out Week, I'm digging into the "archives" and sharing one story a day of my coming out process (I have conveniently written exactly as many posts about coming out as there are days in the week!) leading up to Friday, when I'll update everyone on where my coming out story is so far (still, and ALWAYS, in progress.)

But more important than that, many of you already know MY story, I would love to hear YOURS. Whether you've come out to everyone you know, or only to your blog (oooh, meta), let's share our stories with each other! That's a big part of what Coming Out Week and Coming Out Day are about, in my opinion--supporting each other every step of the way as we keep shouldering the burden of having to remind people that they should not assume they know who we love. It's not just about saying "Yay, woohoo, hi everybody, guess what, I'm super gay!" It's about the smaller moments, when you come out a little bit, and then fully, to yourself, when you whisper it to your dog, when you write it down for the first time, when you tell your best friend, when you tell your parent, when you tell your classmates or coworkers, when you tell your doctor-- the list goes on and on...

Comment below, email me or "ask" me (on tumblr) to tell me your coming out story, and if you give me your permission, I'll share some of your stories here on Friday, National Coming Out Day.

I know that there are lots of you out there lurking (hi! xxoo), and I've heard from some of you about your experiences, so I know others will be inspired by your journey too. I have been. 

The first post I wrote about my coming out process, in which I accidentally sorta kinda out-ed myself on Facebook (LOL) is here: Out-ish

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P.S. It is also really important that we talk about the shenanigans that BuzzFeedLGBT is pulling today, talking about Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson's "bromance" that we all know isn't a bromance. Sending them heart eyes so hard right now.

46 Times Harry Styles And Louis Tomlinson Proved They Belong Together http://t.co/glNnHMUQUu
— BuzzFeed LGBT (@BuzzFeedLGBT) October 7, 2013

Rude.

Over a year has gone by since I've written about Swiss Miss. Remember her? Yeah...the first girl I dated, and an all around annoying and confusing presence in my life (see: Exhibit Z), back when she was a presence in my life.

The last I wrote about her, we were starting to drift apart again, and I, of course, was in the process of falling in love with Elle, but I was kind of trying to pretend that wasn't happening because I am dumb, so...yeah, SM was still around. But then, I started dating Elle, and SM proceeded to pull ALL KINDS OF SHIT, the most recent of which happened about 2 weeks ago. But I'll get to that.

Okay, so I only remember some of the bullshit that she pulled, but here's what I remember:

• In June last year, SM texted me wanting to coordinate plans and somehow hang out during Pride. She asked me, and I quote, if "I was still dating that girl" (this was a month after Elle and I started dating) because she "wasn't sure she'd be able to handle seeing me with someone else". Um, OKAY THEN BYE. It should be a surprise to absolutely no one that I did NOT make plans to see her. So rude.
• Then I think there were some sporadic conversations on gchat about once a month, which were really just her trying to figure out if I was still with Elle. I think once I chatted her to congratulate her on finishing school, and then a few months later she wished me a happy birthday (after not talking for months). Random shit like that.
• At some point during this time, SHE LIKED AN OLD FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE OF ME IN A BIKINI ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE. Yup. Like, literally months after we no longer really speak, when she knows I have a girlfriend, she then is fb stalking me and LIKES A PICTURE. OF ME WITH MY TITS OUT (I mean, not really out, but you see what I'm saying). So brazen. So rude. (Are you sensing a theme here?) I think there was also some "liking" of Tegan and Sara related posts on my facebook, but at least those were RECENT and not as creepy. I mean GEEZ.
• Somewhere in here, we follow each other on Instagram. I am almost certain that she requested to follow me first, since I really don't give two shits about Instagram in the first place. But then of course I had to accept and follow her because nosiness. Around this time, I also started to notice the presence of a new girl in her facebook statuses, which are few and far between. But when there was one, there was this girl's name popping up. How nice, I thought, she's finally found someone willing to put up with her bullshit. Hooray. As of last month, I think, SM and this girl are still dating, because there are now pictures of them together, like, meeting her family and shit. So, yeah, an actual relationship, it seems to me. This is all well and good! Godspeed, new girlfriend! It also makes the most recent thing even more...I don't know, rude (I need a thesaurus).
• CUT TO A FEW WEEKS AGO. It's my birthday, Elle has put together a sweet and lovely dinner for us, and we post pictures on Instagram, a rare moment of me rubbing in everyone's faces how cute and adorable we are, and how extremely lucky I am. Literally 5 minutes after posting to Instagram, SM TEXTS ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. She literally INSERTED HERSELF INTO MY BIRTHDAY DINNER. I actually burst out laughing, and when I asked Elle to guess who'd texted me, she almost immediately guessed correctly, because of course it was SM. Of-fucking-course. SO FUCKING BRAZEN AMIRITE??? I think at this point I haven't had any interaction with this girl since January (re: Tegan and Sara) and she picks THAT MOMENT to text me? REALLY???

I did not text her back.

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To Straight Girls: Dating women isn't "easier" so stop saying dumb things.

My new twitter friend Effi Mai over at "F is Forr..." (follow her! Read her blog! Hilarity and smart things everywhere!) wrote a post a few days ago answering a reader's question about why so many straight women seem to think that being a lesbian would be "easier." Her response is totally on point, so I won't bother going into that part of it--just go read it--but one specific thing she said got me thinking.

She said: "Straight girls seem to think that being in a lesbian relationship would just be like dating their best friend."

Right. So let's dive in here, shall we? I have several things to say about this. 

1. Straight women saying that switching teams would be great because then they would be dating their best friend presupposes that dating your best friend is ALWAYS A GOOD THING.
2. I actually do think that it's really good for your partner to be your best friend. When I was married, I never really felt that he was my best friend. Ever. And I didn't like that and it felt like something I wanted to do differently if/when I had a serious relationship again.
3. When I met Elle, we definitely became best friends first.  But, I have to admit, on the regular I wonder if this was the ideal order of operations.

We got to know each other, and came to love each other, as people, as friends (and if i'm being honest, yes, as two women with undeniable sexual chemistry) over the course of about 5 months before we started dating.  During this time, we talked about pretty much everything, and I was the kind of friend to her that would say things like "um...what are you doing? Stop being weird about this, don't freak out, just DO it, it's gonna be fine." And I know that Elle appreciated that in me, me being a friend who kind of kicked her in to gear about a few things and helped her to be a bit braver. I feel good about that, and am glad I could be that for her.

But then...we started sleeping together. And, please comment/tweet me/whatever if you feel like you can still say the kinds of things you'd say to a friend, even a best friend, to your girlfriend. Or boyfriend.  I mean, COME ON NO YOU CANNOT. Not EVERYTHING, and certainly not ALL THE TIME. I just really, truly feel like it's different. At least for me, even though Elle is my best friend.  But--I also am her girlfriend, and she is mine, and an added layer of vulnerability comes along with that. Like, now, if I were to editorialize about something that--if I was her bff-- she might be a bit stung by, but ultimately glad she heard from me, I know that--as her girlfriend--there's a heavier significance if I say something blunt or harsh now, and I also know more how much she might be hurt by something I say. Because I know her so much more closely now and love her so much.  And I also don't want to hurt her, even if it's due to the kind of ribbing a friend would do.

And then there's the point I was making in my comment on "F is Forr...", specifically about the idea that dating women is EASIER. LOL. Here's what I said:

Regardless of whether you date men or women, you’re still dating ANOTHER PERSON, which is always hard as fuck. And I actually sometimes feel that dating a woman is harder, because when someone is your lover and your best friend, things can get a lot more complicated. Like, do you tell her that shirt looks bad, like a best friend would? But then, will she still want to have sex with you later? That is not a problem if you are dating a man. IMHO.

And so it's VERY DIFFERENT is what I'm saying. Best friend love is different than romantic love. There's a different vulnerability and a different level of...I don't know, holding. Or at least trying to hold that other person's heart more gently than you would if they weren't your lover in addition to your friend. And I think this is a great thing. An AMAZING thing. But it is NOT amazing because it is "dating your best friend." It's amazing the way any good, healthy relationship should be amazing. And your partner should be your best friend. How lucky are you if you have that. But they shouldn't be your only best friend. And straight girls who say that being gay would be like dating their best friend are saying a dumb thing.

Is what I'm saying.

That's what I think anyway. What do you think? I'm really curious what people's ideas are about this--I know you're out there, tell me what you're thinking, lovelies! <3

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Behold, Tumblr!

Hi lovelies!
I finally made a tumblr for this blog, woot!
If you're on tumblr (and if you're not, um, why? It's the gayest place on earth.) come say hi. I'm gonna be following back and all that jazz. Only just got it going, so not much to see yet, but there will be lots to see. Lots of gay, girly things to see.

Get pumped.

<3

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in which I am baffled by my past...

I've been working on the book today, editing things I wrote in 2006, when I was 24, and it is a jarring fucking experience, lemme tell you.

I was SO. YOUNG. So confused, so self-absorbed, so dependent on how others saw me to have any way to see myself. It's painful to re-experience, honestly.  I was using my sexuality to try to feel seen, loved, relevant. And, shockingly, it didn't work. Go figure.

And more than that, I was SO STRAIGHT. I mean, what?? Honestly, if it hadn't happened to me, and not that long ago, I would be confused as hell by where I've ended up, i.e. gay. I mean, at 24, I was having a lot of sex, with several men. Often.

There were a lot of naked penises in my vicinity is what I'm saying. (Don't worry, you'll get to read all about that in the book-that part of my life, though interesting and completely insane, doesn't really fit in with the theme of this blog!)

But my point is, that is quite literally a state of affairs that I have no interest in EVER happening again. Now, I am quite happily face deep in vagina and that's exactly how I like it, thank you very much. But 6 years ago I would have looked at you like you were cray if you had suggested that I would ever find myself fantasizing about, much less actually, fucking women and having no place else I'd rather be.

It's just--I mean...

Whaaaaat!!!????

So I guess what I'm saying is, that whole "sexual fluidity" thing...sure is a thing!

Oh, and also I was an asshole.

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Bloglovin? Okay, then!

Hi lovelies, I recently discovered Bloglovin.com, which is apparently one of the new options to follow all the blogs you used to read in Google Reader (RIP), and anyway, I wanted to "claim" my blog as mine, so, here I am, claiming my blog! New, actual post coming later tonight!
<3
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Ch-ch-changes

Hello dear readers!

It's been a very, very long time since I've updated, and I first want to apologize for that! It got hard to write about my relationship since, well, it's actually kind of a healthy one, filled with much more communication and love and respect than drama and guesswork and games, and apparently I'm not nearly as moved to write when I'm not feeling tortured. Go figure!

So I take it as a good sign, overall, that I haven't been around here much, though I'm sure at least 5 of you out there have been wondering what's happened to me! :)

I've been seeing from my stats and from some messages I've gotten that this blog has been and continues to be helpful to at least a handful of you, and that it's been meaningful to some of you to read someone else's story of bumbling along and figuring things out as you are in the process of doing the same.  And that's really the entire point of me putting my story online for all to see--to let you know that you're not alone, and that all the crazy shit you're trying to figure out IS crazy, but that you will also figure it out, and that tons of crazy shit happened to me too, and I came out of it...semi-ok!

Out of that sense of wanting to share my story so that others can feel not-so-alone, and maybe even be inspired to take some risks in their lives as they try to find their truth, I've started working on a memoir of sorts, based on this blog as well as 3 years of writing that I did BEFORE this blog, back before I was even married (ohhh, there are some good stories there!).  Getting my story out there in book form is going to take awhile, but while I do that work I wanted to give those of you who have found me here at New Lesbian a way to talk to me and keep up to date on when you'll be able to read more of my story.  I'll be leaving the blog up while I work on the book, but I would also like to open up this space up as a forum for people to ask me, and all of you, for advice with whatever confusing situations they may find themselves in as they're navigating their relationships and their sexuality.

So! I've created a twitter account under my never-before-known pseudonym (@edie_wyatt) and put a Follow Me button in the sidebar, so feel free to come hang out with me there. I'd love to actually talk to some of you who've been reading, I know there are a lot of you! If you're struggling with the kinds of stuff I've struggled with, and want advice, or HAVE advice to give (or just wanna talk about gay stuff), let's talk!

<3, Edie

Some thoughts, no thread

Life is fucking hard. For everyone. Some people think there's is the hardest, some people think they shouldn't complain. But no. It's hard. For all of us. This sucks.

I have to pay my first student loan payment next week. I cannot really afford this. I can not delay it. This sucks.

I have dedicated 9 years of my life to studying to be in a profession that is extremely masochistic and draining and uses up all of me some days. This sucks.

I answered my mother honestly about how I'm doing today, saying "drained from work and stressed because I'm broke." never do I answer her questions with so much candor. Her response "Be thankful you have a job." I should not be surprised by this response, and yet I am, and also feel slapped in the face.  I don't know why I keep thinking that she will somehow become a person capable of mirroring, holding, providing emotional comfort. She is not that person. That sucks.

I'm grappling with the significance of the fact that I am not "the messy one" in my relationship. I'm the over-controlled one. I "don't mess up." Sometimes I think Elle is angry at me because of this. I am angry too that I am like this. I am constantly resentful that I am the organized, neat, planning one who has thought 7 steps ahead no matter how big or small the task or life event. I am resentful at myself for thinking that I need to be like this, and not being able to not be.  Being this way is exhausting.  I think I am this way because I don't want to have to deal with the feelings of loss or disappointment or heartache or loss of faith in humanity that might result if I'm not thinking 7 steps ahead and taking care of everything. I don't trust that anyone else will really take care of me if I don't, even if they want to. This sucks.

So, I guess there is a uniting thread in my thoughts today. Suck-age.

Great.